A Calm Adult Nervous System Is One of the Most Powerful Tools in Parenting

When children keep making poor choices despite guidance, it naturally stirs anger and frustration. Those feelings are human. But corrections given while we are angry rarely help children learn.

Before addressing behavior, it helps to pause and ground ourselves. Sometimes this means stepping away briefly and recognizing our own big emotions. It can be helpful to say, “I’m feeling upset right now. I need a short break, and we’ll talk soon.” Boundaries still matter, but they are most effective when our bodies are calm. This is a powerful parenting tool. It not only supports the current situation but also models something essential for children: that adults feel frustration too, and that emotions can be managed in healthy, regulated ways.

Children’s brains are wired to mirror the adults around them. When we escalate, their nervous systems escalate too. When we stay steady, they begin to settle. Over time, children borrow our calm before they can create their own. This is called co-regulation.

Regulation is a skill that grows with practice. In everyday parenting moments, these grounding practices can help parents respond in a way that will set the children up for success:

Grounding practices that help adults regulate in the moment include:

• Focusing your attention to a few things you can see, hear, or feel around you

• Using scent, such as smelling a candle or essential oil, to anchor your senses

• Taking a short walk or shifting your physical position

• Counting slowly to help refocus attention

• Slowing the breath, breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth

A calm adult nervous system does not remove limits. It builds safety and trust in relationships, making children more open to listen, learn, and connect.